I Exist Now and I'll Exist in The Future

I'm learning to understand better my gender and discover how early in my life this issue existed.  Thinking back to the past many different things stand out.  From the first time wearing something that was labeled as female to the feeling I held from within.  At a young age I had absolutely no knowledge of these feelings or what they meant.  I felt an inner peace when I thought about erasing my male self and allowing my feminine feeling to exist.  I didn't have any real knowledge about sex at this young age other than I was labeled as a boy.  There were no feelings or attractions to anyone at this young age, yet there was still a feeling something didn't line up.  Understand I had no words for what I was feeling at the time.  Each day my emotions and thoughts were abundantly clear I felt more emotional girls’ feelings in my mind and because there was a lack of knowledge and no information about my feelings were kept hidden.  The fact of being different was considered weird or mental in my mind I hid these feelings.  The feelings were consistently present in my mind and never vanished.  I worked hard to hide these feelings deep inside.  I carried this burden for many years inside without ever sharing it with anyone.  I started wearing feminine items at a young age and hid this from everyone.  I hid whenever I dressed up and found relaxing peace within myself.  My internal feelings were focused on being soft and kindhearted.  The image I acted out daily was that a semi-tough little boy.  The fears that raged inside of me and getting discovered scared me into acting tough.  I will say even acting tough was still very soft in comparison to most boys.  In reality I wanted nothing except to be the girl.  The feelings I possessed were never influenced by anyone.  I had a self-awareness within that my feelings came from.  As a child growing up as a boy, I did play with boy toys and girl toys whenever I could.  I enjoyed my cars, Wagon, dirt and tools.  My love of building and creating things out of materials was abundant.  I enjoyed the times playing with my sister’s Barbies, dolls, and other girl toys.  My feelings for the girl toys which I kept hidden from everyone.   I started gathering female clothes from wherever I could as an early teenager.  I kept the stash hidden in little pieces all over in the basement, under my mattress, outside, in my closet.  It brought me a deep sense of peace each time I wore something feminine.  Understand most people do not understand any of these feelings as they've never felt them.  Just as many people don't understand these feelings I didn't understand why, where, how any of these feelings came from.  I didn't always enjoy this burden of thoughts and feelings.  I worked hard to push them down within myself.  Each time the feelings arose, fear and relief battled within my mind.  I often worked hard on other projects to distract the feelings, but in end would constantly come back to the peace of being female.  It is a terrible feeling to hide from everyone that you love.  The feelings of being a girl were constant from the age of 10 years old.  Here again let me state sex was not even a thought on my radar.  Sex had little to no influence on my feelings at this age.  As my age progressed into early teenage years so did my feelings of being female.  I'm sure some think I had a lack of men influence, let me say both my grandfather's, my dad, many uncles, brother, neighbors had to constantly put up with me helping if a tool of any type came out of the toolbox.  I more less was an assistant anytime work was happening.  This still didn't crush the feelings within.  I love racing and constantly worked on bikes, my coasting go cart, and anything mechanical I could.  I loved building things and remembered in Jr high building part of a house.  I also excelled in small engine buildings and wood working, leather, glass etching.  My grandmother taught me to crochet and latch hook which scared me because I was afraid someone would discover my inner feelings of being female.  I loved cooking with my grandparents.  Although it was hard to fully express my feelings for softer side as I was hiding emotions within.  I understand now my lack of communication with my mom came from my need to hide the feelings of my feminine feelings.  Throughout my Jr. High school my passion and feelings to express myself more feminine exploded within, but I had to continue to hide as my fear kept me scared of what would happen to me.  My freshman year of high school was a prep seminary to prepare for possibly becoming a priest.  I had attended a camp a couple years prior and decided maybe this school would help erase feelings.  Much like college I left home went to the school some 200 plus miles from home.  I packed nothing of my girl stuff and attended the all-boys school.  Again, at this time I still had little to no sense of sex.  I came home for Thanksgiving break and when I returned to school with some feminine things as well.  The dormitory was 2 beds or students per cubicle no doors.  I would hide stuff when I could under my blankets and after lights went out would change to get my peace from being female.  I had to of course change back prior to morning lights and then hide my stuff as quickly as possible.  I still couldn’t understand my feelings within.  School closed after my freshman year, and I returned home to the public school.   The feelings never diminished towards the end of my sophomore year, my 16 birthday came about and I wanted to drive.  I got a job to start earning money to pay Insurance and get a car, but the plus side was I could by female cloths as well.  I would spend a very terrifying time in stores trying to purchase items because of my fears.  I did fear getting discovered but the need was strong.  I did finally get enough money and license to get some wheels.  While working I made friends with a young lady, and she became my first girlfriend.  I learned a little more about sex.  Even after all this my desires of being female remained.  I did share with her my passion for wearing female clothing.  This ended our relationship immediately as she couldn't handle it.  I continued working and Halloween was coming as luck would have it, I would be at work.  I decided to dress up for the shift.  I ended up shopping and bought me a French maid dress, heels, and an expensive wig.  I managed to convince my best friend to dress up as well through a little bribery.   I put together a complete outfit head to toe.  I can share the feeling of having the time of my life.  Just to keep you up to date my parents had no idea about this outfit.  I can share walking in heels on a greasy floor at Wendy's is a little challenging.  After the fun events of working all night, my need to be a girl grew even stronger.  I went home that night and slept in the outfit.  I used to dress up at night frequently at home because my parents had no clue about anything I was hiding.  However, the morning after Halloween my dad was out of town and my mom woke me up to see if I would help her replace the carpet in the kitchen.  I replied that I would and suddenly the awareness that I was in a French maid outfit was discovered by my mom.  I decided face the music and to continue in the outfit changing the Carpet.  She kept asking me to change but I kept on working.  There was nothing ever discussed after that day about my outfit.  I didn't share with anyone about my large stash or my desire to be a girl.  It was back to hiding and dressing when I could.  Throughout high school many days I wore panties, tights, and other female items under my male clothes.  I would have to run to gym class and change quickly before others arrived as I had to hide what I was wearing and my polished toenails.  Throughout my high-school years my feelings never diminished about being a girl.  I graduated and started attending college working towards an associate degree in auto mechanics all while working.  I worked hard, but did struggle with the book work, but excelled in hands on in shop.  I worked hard making money to support my college path as well as live life.  At one point I started working two jobs and ended up meeting my first wife.  We enjoyed time together and as luck would have it my desire to be a girl came out and I shared my secret with her.  Although my disguise in all this was I just wanted to wear women's clothing.  After dating for a while I asked her to marry me.  We ended up pregnant prior to marriage but married and had our daughter.  Our marriage was not always the most pleasant for multiple reasons.  Some days Kimberly was ok, other days not so much.  I still very much in hiding outside of my home walls.  I refused to hide within my walls unless someone showed up.  I did put pictures up of Kimberly.  At one point during our relationship tried to dispose of all female things and talked with the minister of my issues.  This lasted only a day before the desire to restore my heart of having peace as a girl and shopping I went.  I will also state that my weekends once driving came about were spent at racetracks nearby.  I eventually ran out of money to finish my college degree.  I have always worked hard trying to support and take care of myself.   This never diminished the desire to be a girl.  As I said, several issues eventually led to the divorce of my first wife.  Let me discuss a little about my daughter.  I decided before her birth that I wanted to be myself and not hide from her.  So, since her Birth Kimberly has always been at least somewhat present.  I did see and participate in the raising of my daughter.  I paid for my support and did as I felt with my parenting of her.  During my first marriage a friend, me and my ex had made did my nails for Halloween.  My nails were long and beautiful every Halloween.  After my divorce my friend asked me if I'd like to meet her best friend.  I said sure why not and of course my friend shared that she'd already shared about Kimberly to her.  Me and my wife met and started dating after a few years we grew up with each other.   I dressed anytime I wanted at home still terrified to be outside the home.  Around three years of dating I decided to have a Halloween party and ask her to marry me.  With most of her family and a few friends the party and event went off without a hitch.   During this party I did get scared as a neighbor wanted to talk to me about our noise.  I had to greet her as I was dressed in my French maid dress that I had made.  Our wedding followed the following year on Halloween.  Although it was a traditional wedding in a catholic church at the request of my mom as soon as the reception was over Kimberly came out, we went had dinner with friends and family.   I still at this point was not open with my family.  My wife's family was all aware of Kimberly.   After attaining a computer and dial-up internet in about 2001 I started a website about myself and my journey, however, mostly pictures of me at first.  In 2003 through internet research, I discovered a couples cross dressing event.  We attended and enjoyed meeting others.  I got to drive all the way there and spend three days there as Kimberly.  Once back home we scheduled to attend the spring event.  This happened till 2008 when the event shut down. Each spring and fall event my growth of being myself.  Each year I stretched the three days into a week.  I discovered each year upon returning home my desire to continue living as Kimberly grew.  It hurt trying to put the male back.  Understand I only really allowed Kimberly out at the event and at renfest.  I made a fairy outfit and went to renfest as Kimberly.  Most people didn't care which helped boost my confidence about being able to go out.  My love of racing was always present and in 2004 I started working at a local track helping wherever I could.   I hid my desires of being a girl from all of this while continuing to dress frequently at home.  Through the years I have made friends both at the racetrack and the renfest.  In 2012 a friend was diagnosed with cancer and given just weeks to live.  In order to help the family, others from renfest held a fundraiser.  I attended as Kimberly and was having a great time being able to be myself with others.  My friend Pat walked up to me and asked if I was alright with his hand on my shoulder.  I couldn't believe this man who was told he had just weeks to live was checking on me being ok.  At this moment something clicked and my desire to live authenticity suddenly took hold.  I'm forever blessed to have had Pat in my life as a friend and use them words you alright.  Shortly after that party Kimberly started showing up more and more while still hiding from my racing and real family.   Through all my hard work and fun adventures in racing and renfest my life continued rolling along.  I started going to the zoo as Kimberly, taking many photos to share on my website.  Looking and searching occasionally online about gender issues I stumbled upon a transwoman support group that met a couple times a month so in October of 2016 attended.  I learned and grew further in my acceptance of feelings that have tormented me my entire life.  It was at this point my choice to live as I've always felt was born.  I did share with my wife and told her of my decision to transition and let her make the decision to stay or leave me.  My wife has had my back the entire time. I then consulted a therapist and got a letter needed to start hormones.  I still had many hurdles and fears to face.   I consulted a doctor to get blood work done and started on hormones.  I started with spironolactone to remove the testosterone and estradiol to give the female hormones in December of 2016.  I continued attending the support group meetings as I needed to face my biggest fear.  I needed to share with my parents about my gender transition.  My fear of potential loss of people I love scared me.  It took till April of 2017 to tell them.  My parents did the right thing and said they love me.  It has taken time for them to adjust, but they continue working on it.  I love my parents to the moon and back for being beautiful examples of parents.  After the hormones started flowing through me my heart and mind became at peace with my feelings.  I shared with my daughter right after my wife of my journey.  My daughter and granddaughter both have been a great blessing in my life.   I had to share with some friends and family about transition and surprisingly most have supported me.  In September of 2017 my biggest fear of coming out to my employer was addressed.  Although it is a bit scary at first many days and years have passed.  In January of 2018 I officially applied to change my name and gender.  I filed with the court and was granted my name and gender change.  My birth certificate and all other documents were changed to match my gender.   In 2021 I proceeded to start the process of gender conformation surgery.  I had to get letters from therapists and doctors to make this happen. In November my surgery was completed.  I've worked maintained my life enjoying racing, renfest, friends, family.  I've welcomed new grandchildren into my life.  All in all, I continue to be happy, loving and caring person to many around me.  I look forward to many more years regardless of political members thinking they can stop me.  I hid before and never will again.